Sky Series: Episode 3
How did you experience being adopted? Did people know you were adopted? Did your parents ever talk about it? And then did you kind of have an understanding of what that meant?
Growing up, I always knew I was adopted because my parents told me when I could first understand. I think they even got this adoption book. I forgot what it was called, but it's a picture book and it just explains what adoption means. It explains how I was born and how I came from someone else, and then they adopted me.
Was it about a Chinese person in particular?
No, it had white people in it, but I think overall, that's how I learned what adoption was.
I came home in 1996. Easter was my adoption day and we lived in Illinois at the time. I don't remember too much from that time because I was so young. Then we moved to California and then they adopted my sister. I don't remember the exact date that she came home, but she was born in 1998 and she's from somewhere in Chengdu. I don’t remember any of this, but my mom told me that when they brought my sister home I did not speak to my mom for two weeks! Total silence treatment. That was kind of harsh and I don’t know why I did that. Maybe I was jealous of the attention not being on me or something.
Do you remember ever talking explicitly about adoption or being adopted with your sister growing up?
I don't think so. Not until we were past college, we didn't talk about it (even then we never talked deeply about it). When we were younger we knew that we were adopted in the back of our minds, but it wasn't a point of deep conversation that I remember.
I vaguely remember doing a couple of those get-togethers with other families who adopted Chinese children. This is really blurry. I feel like we had a get together and it was all the adults hanging out and then all of us Chinese adoptees playing together. I was really young. I just remember not really getting along with anyone. I don't know if that's just because of my personality. I was a really shy kid.
Growing up in general, my family has always lived in very white neighborhoods. In the schools that I went to, I was usually the only or one of very few Asian people. I don't remember my preschool or kindergarten, but for first and second grade, I went to this private Christian school and I was definitely, literally the only Asian person there. It was a very small school. And then we moved to New Jersey when I was in third grade. Again, I was the only Asian kid in my class but there might have been more Asian people not in my class.
Not purposely, but I feel like Asian people there didn't talk to each other. We just avoided each other in third grade through ninth grade.
Do you remember, if there were any feelings you had about not wanting people to mix you up with the other Asian kids? Or if there was anything you were worried about if you talked with them?
This is kind of sad. When I was younger, I do remember wanting to be white. I don't know. I guess I was made fun of as a kid, just the things that other kids would say. I could tell that I was different. So I just wanted to fit in. I remember the first time I saw that I was Asian and not white. I remember looking at myself in the mirror for the first time when I was four, and I was like “Oh, I don't look like my parents.” Even though I, in general, knew I was adopted. I don't think I made the connection until then. So that was kind of weird.
I remember dressing as Cinderella and thinking, “Oh, why am I dressing like this white princess?” and “it looks different on me.” Something like that. I was trying to copy her with that bandana thing she wore on her head. And I thought, “I just look ridiculous.”
I used to play a lot of video games when I was little, and I would always make my avatar look like a white girl. Like, “oh, let's make her look pretty," and then it would always end up being this brunette white girl. I didn't realize I was doing that until later in life. I look back and think, “dang, that was kind of messed up.” Later, in high school or college, I started making the avatars look like me.
Do you remember if it was a dual sense of wanting to belong, but also maybe not liking what people would say about you being Asian?
Yeah. I think so. It's weird because I don't think anyone outright said anything bad about me being Asian, other than maybe doing the thing where they pulled their eyes back. But I got the general sense that I was different. Also, I was shy and I didn't have many friends, so I thought everyone hated me and thought I was weird. Then I think I attributed that to being different and being Asian. I had a lot of internalized… I didn't like myself for a little bit when I was a kid.
We didn't really do too much celebrating Chinese stuff. I remember my parents tried their best because they would take us to Chinese restaurants, even though they were, you know, American Chinese. I think when we were younger, maybe we did the Lunar New Year thing once. My parents asked if I wanted to go to Chinese school or do karate. I think back then I just said “no,” because I worried it would make me look more Asian or stereotypically Asian. I wanted to fit in subconsciously. I regret it now, because my Chinese language skills are not that great.
When we moved to New Jersey, that's when we really got into skating and that's when I met F, C, and S. That's the first time I had other adopted friends. We had our own little mini community within the skating rink there. F and C's family is definitely more into celebrating the Chinese stuff. I think that kind of introduced me to more of that.
They just had a ton of Chinese decorations in their house, and they'd go to Chinatown. I guess my parents took us to San Francisco Chinatown a couple times, but now I was older and could enjoy it with people other than my sister who are adopted like me. And they went to more authentic Chinese restaurants too. It just seemed like their family celebrated being Chinese a little bit more, and that got me more interested. Up until then, I really had no interest in my culture.
I switched into a Texas public school towards the end of high school. This is where it's interesting, because in the area we lived in was still mainly white, but there were a lot more Asians. I felt that was the first time I got some culture shock and was like, “oh my gosh, I’m surrounded by so many Asians.” It was so weird. It was my first day of school, and I remember going to lunch and thinking “where am I going to sit?” I had talked to a couple (non-asian) girls in my class, so I wanted to sit with them. But then I passed the Asian table (there were actually two or three Asian tables), and they really wanted me to come sit with them. And at first I was like, “oh, no thanks.”
Now, I feel so bad. Why was I like that back then? I think I was still in the rejecting-myself phase, you know?
Eventually, I started sitting at the Asian table a couple of days out of the week. It was just very different. They were super Asian, not stereotypically, but they were fully embracing their Asianness and talking about Asian stuff and eating Asian food.
It was weird because I was trying to reject them at first. They ended up being super nice. I don't think I ever told them I was adopted either. I couldn't completely relate to them, because they all had Asian parents and were from immigrant families. It was the first exposure in my life, I guess up until that point, of not being the only Asian in school.
Then I went to college in Ohio and there were even more Asians there. There were a lot of international students from China and other countries, but definitely a lot from China. There was also a larger Asian American population there. So I still, at first, also felt a little bit uncomfortable.
Do you remember if you ever worried that people would find out you were adopted?
Not really. I didn't really care too much if they knew I was adopted. I didn't really care. I don't think that crossed my mind.
College was the time where I had my identity crisis. I didn't know what I wanted to do in the future. I thought I was going to go to the Olympics and I had no other plans. So when I got to college, I was really undecided, and I changed majors several times. But I did want to learn Chinese because…okay, let me back up a bit. So I had met this Black girl in high school, and we ended up being good friends. She was super into Asian stuff, like anime, and she got me into K-pop. It’s a little ironic, since she was a Black girl teaching me about Asian stuff and getting me into Asian stuff. I guess it's part of the development of my life. I got really into K-pop and it was the first time I saw that Asians could be cool and the guys could be good-looking. It was the first positive representation of Asian people that I had seen in my life so far.
So when I got to college, I ended up majoring in East Asian Languages and Cultures with a focus on Chinese. Then I got really into Asian stuff because I was really wanting to make more friends and start over. I just wanted to start fresh and be more outgoing. So I joined a ton of clubs, including a lot of Asian clubs, because I wanted to explore this part of my identity more. I joined a Korean club because of K-pop, too.
I made a lot of friends there. I was also in the International dorm. So a lot of the international students stayed in my dorm, and it was called the Global Perspectives dorm. I just wanted to learn about the world. I was really interested in different cultures at that point, especially Asian cultures.
It was the first time I had a ton of Asian friends other than my skating friends. At the end of freshman year, one of my friends invited me to the Asian American Association’s (AAA) formal. I went with a couple of my international friends, and it was really fun. I met a lot of people. So then the next year, sophomore year, I actually joined the club and that's where I spent most of my free time during the rest of college.
They were Asian American and that was the first time I heard that term. I guess I'm Asian American.
Did you relate to the Asian Americans more than the more immigrant students?
Yeah, I could relate to them better because they have American culture too. I did have a lot of international student friends, but there's a little bit of a wall. I hung out with many international students, but I ended up really clicking with these Asian Americans in AAA. Then I started to make a couple of other adopted friends in the club and that's when we first started talking about adoption. There's this one girl where we really dug into it and watched the “Somewhere Between” documentary and cried together.
We had a third friend, so we had a little trio for that year, and she was half Japanese, half white. But a lot of her experiences aligned with ours, like being adopted and feeling halfway in between cultures, basically. We have the same problems, slightly different, but mostly the same. They can really relate, you know, when they say you're like an egg or a twinky. Yellow on the outside, white on the inside...
So I end up bonding really closely with them. I think the reason I liked the Asian club too was because they did this dance show called Fusion. We'd have different cultural dances from different Asian countries. Our backdrop was basically a ton of Asian flags, kind of fusing into one another, and then we'd also have modern dances and traditional Asian dances. I would always be part of the K-pop dance and I would choreograph the K-pop group. We also did some K-pop dances for the Korean club events. A lot of the other international students would go to AAA events too. So it was a good blend of different backgrounds.
My college was still about 80% white and that's the first time where I experienced more outright racism. So we all bonded together because no matter what type of Asian we were, whether we were international or Asian American, white people and others, they just saw us all as Asian.
So we all kind of experienced the same racism. I think we all bonded over that. I had this really racist professor for a business class and every time there was something about Asia or China, he'd ask one of the Chinese international students. I talked with the Chinese girl he asked after class and she was like, “yeah, he thinks I know everything about China because I'm Chinese, but I don't know stuff like that!”
So there was some division within our school in general. But definitely, lots of little pockets of culture, which I appreciated. My club would also do an Asian culture fest. We’d have a different tent for each country and they'd have activities and little snacks. And then we would bring all the other international clubs together. So like the Indian Student Association, the Vietnamese Student Association, like all the different clubs to help with that event.
I really felt like I belonged in AAA. Like, that was the first time I had actual solid friends and people that I could relate to. At the same time, I was trying to explore my heritage. So it was definitely a whole transformation. I'm a totally different person than I was in high school.
Origins and Birthfamily Searching
My mom and dad told me I was found at a train station and I think my sister was found at a market or something. They said our parents were poor so they abandoned us to have a better life and that was pretty much it. I don't know if that's the story that the orphanage told them. My sister had a foster family before she was adopted.
I don't think my parents know anything about the trafficking or if they do, they don't want to think about it. They just want to have a happy picture, you know. I wish I was left with a note or something. I don't know my birthday. It's probably not in October because when they got me, they took off so many layers of clothes, and I looked a lot younger than what age the orphanage said I was. I looked two months younger. So my parents estimate that my birthday is closer to Christmas.
I haven't really looked too much into all the documents that they had from my adoption. I'd like to, I just haven't gotten around to it. They’re somewhere in storage. I would like to go back and visit and meet my birth parents if they're still there. But I've always had the feeling of “oh, it's impossible.” Like, there's billions of people in China and I wasn't left with anything.
So I haven't actually given it super serious thought. I've done 23andMe and GEDmatch, so if something ever shows up, I would definitely need to actually go make a trip and try to find them.
What feelings do you think you’d have if you got a DNA match?
I think I'd be excited, but I'd also be so shocked because I’m honestly not really expecting much out of it.
When you were little, did you ever think about your birth family as much? Or is this more like an adult thought?
I think I started thinking about it more during high school and college. Especially when I was exploring my identity more in college. The thought crossed my mind a couple times in childhood, but, one time I brought it up to my mom, and she shut it down and kind of made it about her. I think she was scared that I was going to replace her.
So you would say your mom is, in particular, not very supportive of you searching because maybe she feels like she'll be replaced, but you still think it would be really wonderful if you knew exactly where they were?
Yeah. I feel like it would give me a sense of closure because the whole circumstances around my birth is just a mystery.
If you did, find them, or if you could only ask one question, what would it be?
I would ask them why they gave me up. I kind of want to know why, the thoughts behind it, the true story, you know, not the one that the orphanage told my parents. That way I can understand more that it wasn't just, “oh, we didn't want you.” I'm sure they probably wanted me. It was probably hard for them, but just to hear it from them, I think that would heal a lot because there's always this thought in the back of my mind, of “I'm unwanted.”
Growing up, I'd be rejected from a lot of groups, always picked last in gym class, etc., just my whole life in general I just felt like I was unwanted.
I think that would help to hear that I was wanted, unless they actually told me, “oh, we didn't want you,” but I don't think they would.
What does family mean to you?
Family is the people you choose to be around that support you and are there for you, and not necessarily your blood related family that look like you and that you just happened to be born into.
Do you have a takeaway message for this interview?
Self acceptance.
Oh, that's a good idea. Tell me more.
It's okay to be yourself even though other people may make fun of you or not accept you, because it only matters if you can live with yourself or accept yourself.
My whole life has been a kind of journey to self-acceptance. I was rejecting my identity back before, I learned to embrace it.