Sky Series: Episode 12
Growing Up
I always knew I was adopted. I can't even remember a time when I didn't know.
My mom had books for me when I was little. She would always tell me about my adoption and it was very normal. I actually really liked that because it didn't feel weird or odd. I enjoyed the fact that she always told me, and it was just a normal part of my life. My mom and I had a lot of talks about adoption, especially as I got older.
My mom would tell me that I used to say things like, "I hope my parents are doing well." I don't really remember saying those things, but I think I was so young that I don't remember.
She took me to Chinese adoption groups, so I knew a few other adoptees. I think most of the adoptees I knew weren't really interested in finding their birth parents, but I don't think that generally affected me. To be honest, I don't even think knowing other adoptees affected me that much.
I think what affected me most was being in a predominantly white neighborhood and going to school in a predominantly white environment. I would have preferred to have more Asians in my everyday school life or to live in an area where there were more Asians in general.
When you were with other adoptees, was that through FCC (Families with Children from China) or people your family knew through adoption, or people in the area?
They were families my mom knew because she'd adopted me. There were also people my mom came to know through the adoption community. We went to summer camps where there were a bunch of Chinese adoptees, too, but I can't remember those experiences very well.
With other adoptees, I didn't talk about adoption much until I got older. Then I became interested in being friends with people who were adopted. When I was younger, it never really occurred to me to talk about that with anybody else.
Did your mom share the story of how you came to be adopted, or the story of how you came to be in the orphanage?
I was adopted by a single mom and she would tell me the story of how I was adopted pretty regularly. I feel like I know it by heart. She told it to me often, including the story of meeting me for the first time. My mom said that, given the history and what she was told, I might have been given up because I was a girl, but we don’t know that for sure.
She felt in her heart that my birth parents loved me, so I think she always tried to instill positive and hopeful thoughts about my birth family in me.
Did you ever feel pressured by yourself or others to fit in with the people around you at school?
I think my feelings about wanting to fit in were pretty normal, like any other kid. I'd say I felt more pressure from myself to live up to the stereotypical Asian person you'd hear about: someone who gets straight A's and is really good at math. I think I took that to heart. When I was younger, I didn't care about anything, so I don't think it affected me as much then.
It was definitely something I thought about after high school. I think that's a huge reason why I got straight A's at school. At work, I really try to be the best I can be because it's important to me that people look at me and think I'm smart, or think that I'm “actually Asian.”
As I got older, it became very important to me. It wasn't just about looking Asian. I also wanted to feel like I had Asian traits or qualities. I think that's a big reason for some of the ways I behave and act and some of the things I do. In some ways, it brings me a little closer to that part of my culture.
As you grew up, was there a part of you that sought out other Asian people, or specifically other Chinese adoptees? Why or why not?
I think there are two parts to that. When I was younger, probably in my twenties, it was important to me to be friends with other Chinese people. I think that's a big reason why, at the first school I went to, I befriended a majority of the Chinese international students there.
I think it was more important to me to be friends with people who were actually from China, rather than Chinese adoptees, who were part of the culture I had always wanted to be part of.
I'd say that being friends with adoptees wasn't an interest of mine in my twenties. The people I had encountered on some online adoptee groups seemed much more invested than I was in things like heritage tours. I don't think I really fit in with groups where adoption feels like an all-consuming part of their identity. I don't feel that way about my adoption and I don't want that to affect me.
I think that's why I haven't really wanted to be friends with other adoptees. I’m only friends with two adoptees, one I met through Facebook.
So it sounds like there's a mismatch between how these groups operate and how you feel about your own adoption. Sometimes the mood in these groups can shift toward sadness or negativity, and can leave one in a dark place. Is that about right?
Yeah, for sure. I think that it is a very painful feeling if you really want to find your birth family. While I would like to find mine, I try not to dwell on it or let it be at the forefront of my mind. I don't think that's healthy because we might never find them. I try to keep my feelings and my involvement with adoption at a healthy level.
The people who are the most emotional and invested tend to be the loudest online. There's nothing wrong with that, but sometimes it can make positive voices harder to hear, if that makes sense.
Birth Family Searching
What thoughts and feelings come up when you think about searching? Have those thoughts and feelings changed throughout your lifetime?
When I was younger, finding my birth family was very important to me. It still is, but as I've gotten older, I've tried to be realistic about everything in my life. I think that keeps me grounded and prevents me from getting hurt. Sometimes, being realistic can make you happier. I don't want to have delusions of grandeur.
I don't want to be 70 years old, or on my deathbed, thinking that not finding my birth family is my biggest regret. For many of us, the chance of finding them is very small.
I'm trying to look at it from the perspective that I'm going to do what I can. Even if I don't find them, it'll be okay. I did what I could, and at the end of the day, that's what I try to focus on. You can only do so much, especially when you're not in China.
That's the approach I try to take when looking for my birth parents. I probably could be doing more. I definitely don't have my DNA in every database, as many other adoptees do.
But I think it was more important to me to be part of the Facebook groups and help out with DNAConnect.Org because I've reached a good place of acceptance. If I find them, that'll be amazing. If I don't, I'll be okay, and I definitely know I will be.
I know there are a lot of adoptees online who, from talking to them and helping them, seem like they won't be okay if they never find their birth families. I really wanted to help out with DNAConnect.Org because I'm hoping I can make a direct difference in one of those adoptees' lives. I'd like to help people who are struggling the most to find their birth families.
That's beautiful. I love that. I always believe that helping others is never a waste. Can I ask if you have done a DNA test?
The first DNA test I took was an Ancestry kit my mom gave me for Christmas or my birthday. She was really excited and wanted to see where I was from. When the results came back, they showed that I was pretty much 99.9% Han Chinese. We laughed about it afterward.
At some point, I also did a 23andMe DNA test. I think I watched One Child Nation. After watching it, I reached out to Brian Stuy from DNAConnect.Org, and I believe he told me what I needed to do.
I got the 23andMe kit and uploaded my DNA to GEDmatch. A couple of years later, I got a match with my second cousin, who lives in California.
Her name is E. She's also adopted, and she's exactly the same age as me. She wasn't adopted from the same area.She reached out to me and said it looked like we were second cousins. We've been friends ever since. I see her and talk to her pretty frequently. I think that's probably another reason I'm okay with not finding my birth family. I have her, and I've developed a really great relationship and friendship with her.
That's amazing. What are some things you appreciate about that friendship? What thoughts or feelings come up when you think about it?
My mom has a very small family, and I've never had a close relationship with them. I think that family deeply affected how I felt about myself and being different, probably even more than high school did. It was difficult for me. In America, I feel like we look at blood as family. I think finding my second cousin and developing a really great friendship with her healed a part of me that was struggling with the thought that, if my mom passed away, I wouldn't really have a family.
So you mentioned that you help other adoptees with their birth parent searches. You mentioned watching One Child Nation. Maybe that was the starting point. If it was, why did you watch it, and what were your feelings about it?
When I was younger, I refused to watch or even read anything about Chinese adoption.
I think that feeling was ingrained in me, not by my mother, but by things you hear about China and the One Child Policy. You're told that you were likely given up because you were a girl and that your parents probably didn't want you. I think that affected me because I wondered why I would want to watch anything related to adoption, when I already knew what people said about it. I didn't want to keep reading about that.
After I watched One Child Nation, it completely changed my perception of what I had thought everybody else had always believed or said to me. It made me feel like, "Okay, now I do want to find my birth parents."
I also didn't realize there might be a way to find them until I saw Brian and Longlan Stuy in the documentary. I thought, "Oh my God, this is amazing. There are actual people trying to help us."
Before that, I didn't know what resources to look for or whom to reach out to. I knew you could hire a private investigator, but I didn't know much beyond that.
The documentary really opened my eyes. I talked with them and joined the Fuzhou SWI Wide-Net Search group. I asked if I could lead it because I wanted to participate actively in the group. I put so much time and effort into collecting everyone’s information. We had search posters made too. When nothing else seemed like it could be done, I decided I was going to go to China and see if I could make something happen.
I wasn't even thinking about it in terms of wanting to find my own birth family. I wanted somebody in our group to find their birth family. That's why I decided to go to China last year with Longlan Stuy and a searcher they trust.
I'd always wanted to go to China, but I'd imagined going with my mother. It was a little shocking that I was doing this by myself. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I met people, heard birth families' stories, and learned how many people hadn't given up their children but had had them forcibly taken away.
That really changed my perspective.
The most important thing to me now is that, while I'd like to find my birth family, I mainly want them to know that I'm okay. I don't want them to suffer.
I met so many birth families who had one baby photo of their child. They were greatly affected by what happened, and who wouldn't be? Their child was taken away or placed in an orphanage, and they don't know where that child is or whether they're okay.
I know I'm in a good place. I hope my birth family isn't consumed by what happened to their child, as some of the families I met seemed to be. If they are, I really hope I can find them because I'd want them to know I'm okay.
That would be the most important thing to me about meeting them or even being able to talk to them.
Thank you for sharing all of that. Can I ask, why did you originally contact Brian Stuy and join the Fuzhou SWI “wide-net” search group?
I previously had ordered a “birth parent search analysis” through Research China from Brian, so I already knew his name. I remember reaching out to Brian, and then Brian and Lan told me I needed to download a copy of my DNA from 23andMe and upload it to GEDmatch, a free database, to start the process of finding my birth family. I immediately ordered the DNA kit and did that. Then they suggested that I could join the Fuzhou SWI “wide-net” search group, so I did.
I remember reading the birth parent search analysis, but I don't quite remember all the details. I think it was obvious to me that there probably wouldn't be much helpful information. I always approached everything related to adoption by asking for the bare minimum or expecting the bare minimum.
I didn't want to think, "I'm going to get so much information out of this search analysis." I wanted to be realistic. I think that's why I never felt let down. I never felt upset about anything in the process. Brian never did anything to upset me in any of our conversations, but separating some of the emotion from the searching process has helped me a lot.
Can you give an example of something that was upsetting?
Brian had put something out about doing a documentary. It was for NHK World’s, The Day I Gave Up My Daughter. They were basically doing casting calls for the documentary. He essentially sent everyone who applied for the role a ranking for their birth parent search situation, easy to difficult.
I immediately thought, "You're just going to expect a 1." I think one was the worst ranking, meaning it will be very difficult to find your birth parents going the conventional route. I think it ranged up to 5 or something. I didn't pull it up on my computer, so I have no idea. I don't remember the rankings, but I thought to myself, "Don't expect anything positive from this."
In my opinion, there's less than a 1% chance of finding our birth families. I've always kept that in the back of my mind, and I don't think that's negative. I think I'm looking at things realistically. When I got back that my situation was a 3, which basically meant it was uncertain whether my finding document contained information that was actionable, I thought that was exactly what I'd expected.
To me, it meant there was a non-zero chance, which is what I've always believed. I was actually very happy with my results because they were better than I had initially expected. I thought they'd be much worse.
I wasn't upset. I know many people online were upset about being “reduced to a number,” as they put it. But I wanted to know the reality of my situation. I got the result I expected. I didn't think there was a high chance of finding my birth family. I think I've always anticipated that the chances were low.
Separating much of the emotion from the process has been very helpful. I haven't felt upset or overwhelmed by information from the search analysis, the Facebook groups, or anything else. It's helped me stay centered on the things happening around me here, instead of focusing so much on things outside my control.
Honestly, I think your analytical approach, and your ability to separate your thoughts and feelings, make you very capable in this area. I didn’t even apply for the role in the NHK documentary because I knew I’d just be upset. I can only imagine that I would have found learning any number ranking difficult, even if it was said in the most beautiful, graceful, and therapeutically-informed way possible. I don’t know how you do it.
My job has prepared me for hearing difficult things. As an auditor, you have to look at the facts. You can't make assumptions. You need to look at things objectively.
It's also helped me look at things from different perspectives. I've always known that anything Brian and Lan say comes from a good place. It might not be said in the way many people would like or want, but I understand where it's coming from.
I interview people at companies all the time and try to understand what they're saying. People talk about how much they hate auditors, and that's the exact reaction I get from many people when I conduct interviews.
I think that experience has helped me understand that even when things are said harshly or not in the best way, they're not necessarily meant that way.
If you could ask your birth family just one question, as if there were a magic portal through which you could communicate with them, what would it be?
I actually don't think I would ask a question. I think I would tell them that I've been okay, and I hope they've been okay, too. That's the first thing that comes to mind rather than asking them a question. If I had to ask a question, I guess it would be, "Are you okay?"
The reason I'd ask that is because I've realized how lucky I am to have the life I have.
I know a lot of books say that people thought their children would have a better life if they were adopted rather than staying in poverty in China. I think a lot of books have moved away from that idea. But I would still ask if my birth family were okay because I have a great life, and I'm very fortunate. I'd want to know if they're okay because I'd want to help them if I could.
At the end of the day, I've always had food on the table. I've been fortunate enough to go to college, and I have a great job that I love. From my perspective, I have nothing to complain about. From what I've heard, many birth families have struggled and had a very difficult time. I hope my birth parents are not struggling. If they are, I know I'm in a position where I could do everything I could to help them. That's the first thing that comes to mind when I think about meeting them.
Would you say you're more motivated in your work with DNAConnect.Org to give as many birth parents as possible the opportunity to know their child is okay, or are you more motivated by helping adoptees on this side?
I'd say I'm definitely more motivated by the birth family side.
I used to think, "How could my birth parents give me up? That's so selfish and unbelievably horrible. I could never do that to my child if I ever had one."
But after reading and watching some of these documentaries, I don't feel that way at all. I actually feel that we're fortunate if our birth parents gave us up in an attempt to give us a better life than they could provide, under the penalties they might have faced for having multiple children.
I have such a soft spot for birth families and what they've had to endure and go through. It's very different when you've had so many birth families crying in front of you, holding photos of their lost children. That has really affected me.
Even if I don't find my birth family, and even though I'm not sure how I'd feel about meeting them, I definitely want them to know I'm okay.
I don't know how much beyond that I'd want. But I want to find them not necessarily because I know I want a relationship with them. I want them to know I'm okay, and I don't want them to continue suffering if they are suffering.
Is there a specific story that stands out?
There was one grandmother I remember. We went to a village looking for someone who had reached out about wanting to do a DNA test. We were knocking on a bunch of doors in the village, and one grandmother answered the door and immediately burst into tears. She thought I was her lost grandchild.
I will say that I did look like her, which was funny to me. I thought, "Oh, this is what I'll look like when I'm 80."
We couldn't convince her that I wasn't her grandchild. The years didn't even match up, I think. It was almost as if she'd kept all these emotions bottled up, and she just couldn't stop crying. I felt so bad for her. This wasn't even a birth mother. It was the grandmother. I really felt for her.
One thing about living here is that we don't understand what people in China went through. We can read about the One Child Policy, but we will never have experienced what some of these families went through.
What they went through was horrible. That experience really touched me.
Was that your first time back in China?
Yes, that was my first time.
Why did you want to make your first trip a search trip? Had you always wanted to go back to China?
I definitely wanted to go. I always thought it was too expensive and kept using that as an excuse. When I reached out to Lan and Brian and asked what more we could do for the Fuzhou SWI Wide-Net Search, or whether there was anything else I could do, the answer was basically that there wasn't much else we could do other than go to China. That made me decide I was going to make it happen.
It never really occurred to me that the trip was about me. I never thought, "I need to go to China for myself." It was more that this was important to me, and I wanted to make it happen. I wanted to give the people in my group some hope. I also felt some responsibility as the group leader.
All of that came together, and I felt it was what I needed to do. After visiting my village and the surrounding area, I was able to see a friend who lived there and have some fun too, but the most important part was the search trip.
How did you experience being in China for the first time from an identity perspective?
When I got on the plane and saw how many people looked like me, it felt so good. It made me feel really great. You can go to Chinatown in Chicago and see a lot of Asian people, but I think it's a completely different feeling when you see everyone around you looking like you. It makes you feel special and seen in a way. I loved that. I loved looking around and seeing everybody.
I think it’s also difficult to compare China to America, because I will say I don’t feel like I’ve really seen poor people in America other than homeless people. But some of the villages we went to, there definitely were people who didn’t have much. It seemed like they had what they needed. That was just my observation, and I could clearly have been wrong. It seemed, though, like they had what they needed. And yet I felt like they were so generous. They were so giving.
I mean, I felt like I walked into a village, we told our story, and then no more than a few moments later, we were sitting down in somebody’s house. They were getting somebody to buy us watermelon, and they were bringing it back to us, cutting it up, and giving it to us. People were just so unbelievably generous, and I was really in awe of that because it didn’t seem like they had a lot of money or a lot to give.
On the flip side, when I was with my friend, who lives in Guangdong, she’s definitely wealthy. I think she’s fairly wealthy. We were driving around in a Mercedes-Benz the whole time we were together. I feel like I saw two very drastically different sides of China.
Can I ask if there was a part of China that you wanted to take home with you, metaphorically or otherwise?
I don’t know, actually. I mean, I definitely came home feeling much more proud to be Chinese. I think I was already proud. I didn’t think I had anything to apologize for. I don’t think anyone has to feel that way, but I never felt like I needed to apologize for where I’m from or feel any guilt or anything.
I’ve always been very proud of being Chinese, but I think that really did make me feel more proud, just seeing how advanced they’ve become in the last 50 years. For all the negative talk you hear about China from America, I feel like a lot of it is exaggerated. I couldn’t be more proud to be Chinese.
When you came back to America, you continued to feel very proud to be Chinese. How does that manifest? What does it mean to be proud to be Chinese?
That’s a good question. I’m not sure I know how to answer. I would say that I really wanted to dedicate myself more to learning Mandarin when I came back. Unfortunately, that has not manifested. I think that really was top of mind when I came back, and it is something I really want to learn.
Unfortunately, learning a language just requires so much time that I don’t feel like I have. I will say that was definitely one of the first things that came to mind when I came back. Hopefully, I can focus on it and do it eventually. One thing for me was that I knew I wanted to go back with Lan next year. I was already making plans. By the time I came back, I was already determined to go back.
It wasn’t too long after that I helped raise money for DNAConnect.Org. I was letting everybody in my group know and telling them specifically that if they wanted to give me their information, I was willing to go to China for them and follow up on it.
To me, it was very important to become more involved in making a difference for other Chinese adoptees. In terms of just being proud to be Chinese, I think part of me wants to, in a sense, be more Chinese and less Chinese American.
I don’t know. I think part of me has sort of drunk the Kool-Aid. For example, when my friend K drinks hot water in the mornings, I think I really took on some of those behaviors.
I don’t know. Now, when I go to Chinatown with my friends, I think about things differently. I know the difference between what might be considered real Chinese food. I want to order chicken feet or some of those other things you wouldn’t see Americans ordering. I want to carry on some of the things I was doing when I was back in China.
What impact has this trip had on you?
I think that was one of the best experiences. I’m not even talking about going with my friend and seeing Shenzhen and Guangzhou. It’s more the fact that when I did that volunteer work, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so happy in my entire life as when I was doing that, when I felt like I was directly making a difference.
That was so eye-opening, and it’s a huge reason why I feel like I have to come back and do this again. Another reason is that when I couldn’t go this year, it was just so devastating for me. A lot of people talk about how, when you do volunteer work, you feel really great about it. I totally understand that feeling now.
I look back, and we were out the door by 7 a.m. We’d be coming back somewhere between 6 and 8 p.m. Sometimes I was tired, but I don’t remember that feeling. I just remember feeling so good about everything we were doing.
I didn’t want it to end. I wished I had stayed four or five more days, just doing the work we were doing. For me, that is definitely one of the best memories I have in my entire life.
What is a misconception people might have about you because you have helped reunite families through DNAConnect.Org?
I think so many people think, “Oh, because you’re a DNAConnect.Org supporter, you don’t support the Nanchang Project, or some other organization.” That’s not the case.
I think every adoptee who supports DNAConnect.Org is just as supportive of everybody else who’s using the Nanchang Project, or anything else.
At the end of the day, I just don’t want there to be lost birth family matches. If someone is going to search in China, I really hope they’re making sure every birth family is being tested, not just their own family. I hope the adoptees or adoptive families going on these trips are emphasizing that to the finder and to the other organizations.
That’s what I want to see happen. I really hope people aren’t losing out on an opportunity to meet their birth family because they were turned away by someone else. To me, that’s just so important. I really hope that, because if everyone wants to act like we need to work together, that’s where it starts. You can’t be turning away birth families just because they might not fit the mold of being your birth family. We need to all work together on the ground as well as here overseas, in America.
TAKEAWAY MESSAGE
For me, my biggest takeaway is that I hope any adoptee who does a search is testing every birth family who crosses their path. I really believe “wide-net” searching is the best way to go about things.
There was a birth father and birth mother whose child Lan had found, maybe last year or two years ago. They were with us for all seven days that we were searching, solely because they were so grateful and thankful to Lan for having found their child.
They came with us and helped convince so many birth families who thought we were scamming them or thought, “Oh, this is too good to be true.” They really helped encourage them to do a DNA test with us.
To me, I really saw the impact of paying it forward. That, to me, is the epitome of wide-net searching. I really hope adoptees understand that when you do things like that, you’re not just searching for yourself. If you have the opportunity to search in China, it could be an opportunity to help not just yourself, but others, which could possibly lead to your own reunion.
I really do believe that’s why a lot of adoptees have been able to be reunited. It’s because of wide-net searching. Other birth families were able to find their children, and then the word spread. That, to me, is my biggest takeaway from the trip, and it’s something I really hope others take away from it as well.
Notes:
SWI = Social Welfare House = an orphanage
Research-China is a for-profit business run by Brian Stuy
DNAConnect.Org is a 501(3)(c) public charity run by Brian and Longlan Stuy