Sky Series: Episode 14
Were there other Asians around you growing up? Were there other Chinese adoptees around you growing up?
Yes. For my sister, who's three years older than me, we had a Chinese group. Chinese sisters. Great, phenomenal, wonderful. I was adopted with three other people. One of them was in San Jose, another one lives in San Francisco, and another one lives in Virginia. I'm from Seattle, but I live in San Diego. So I had an adoption group, but they lived far away. My adopted sister had an adoption group with many more people who were nearby. I also did competitive gymnastics in the Seattle area and there were Chinese adoptees there too. One of them is still one of my closest friends to this day.
Did you ever talk about being adopted, or was it just a fun fact, like, "We're all adopted"?
Yeah, it was totally a fun fact. We're all adopted. After I found my birth family, I texted all of these friends who were also adopted and told them everything that happened. They were like, "Oh my gosh, that's crazy. Maybe I need to go back and check my own DNA account." I think my friends do want to find out who their birth families are. My parents also told my sister's adoption group that I found my birth family. People are more interested in and talking more about adoption now as adults. When I found my birth family, it was like, "Oh, maybe I can, too." It gives people hope that there's a story.
Since you had so many adoptee people around you, did you ever feel the need to seek out adoptee friends or be part of the adoptee community or was it just sort of there?
It was sort of there, but I definitely sought it out, and I feel like I still do. I'm trying to find some type of identity with Chinese culture, like going to Chinese New Year. My Chinese name means "peaceful orchid," so I have a tattoo of an orchid, and there's a dragon on my back because my sister was born in the year of the dragon. It's so weird because people are like, "You're white. You sound white." The only thing that makes you not white is the way you look. I'm like, "Well, if I don't get the privilege of a white person, then don't call me white," you know? It's just weird. They don't know.
When you were growing up, did you have questions about your identity?
Yeah. I was a biology major, and I've always been super fascinated with genetics. Not just genetics, but how people look like other people and how you can see other traits in people. I'm sure it's attributed to being adopted. All my friends would be like, "Oh my gosh, you have your dad's whatever." I'd be like, “okay, whatever. I don't really care. I don't know who my dad is.” But then I'd think, "Well, if I knew who my parents were, I could talk about that too.”
What did you believe about your origin story growing up? Did you know how or when you were relinquished, and what emotions or thoughts did you have about growing up with that story?
So my parents are older, and I always knew that I was adopted. I don't think there was a question about that. My parents are both Caucasian, and they were super awesome. They were like, "If you have any questions, totally ask us, but we probably won't know as much. We already know very little. So you can ask us as much as you want." My parents are my parents through and through. Even though I’ve met my birth family, I think they feel like those weird, estranged cousins that you never talk to, like aunties and uncles. So that's how I see them. But my parents are my parents. I assume that I was relinquished due to the One Child Policy. So, on a surface level, I understood it, that you don't want to mess with the Chinese government. But in regard to feeling abandoned, I guess I felt a lot more about it during those developmental years, 15 to 17. I was pretty upset about it. But being upset wasn’t going to do anything. So I kind of was like, “whatever, I'll just move on.”
Did you have any questions you wish you could have asked your birth family before meeting them or knowing them?
I think, in terms of questions I could have asked my birth parents, I would have asked, “Why?” That's always a good starter. It could have been for a multitude of reasons. It could have been financial, or it could have been regulations, which most of the time it was. I think I always had the question of whether I had a sibling, and now conclusively, I know that I do. I also would have wanted to know if we had genetic dispositions for certain diseases. I tried to ask my birth family, but there was the language barrier, and you don't want to just jump into, "Tell me all your deepest secrets." It's weird to ask someone, "Did a family member have cancer?" when you're just meeting them! So I don't know. I guess those questions still remain, and I probably had them even before I knew of my birth family.
Have you ever wanted to search for your birth parents prior to this match?
Yes, but with little to no knowledge of how to do it. I mean, it's expensive to fly out there. You have to find a translator. You have to find accommodations. And for what? To be disappointed and sad? I don't think I was ready to face that disappointment, which I assumed would happen. So, yes, I wanted to, but at the same time, I was like, what's the point? Is it really worth it? I already know what I'm probably going to receive. The desire was there, but emotionally, there were all these barriers: logistical, financial, all of it.
But I matched in November of 2025. I had done the 23andMe DNA test with my adopted sister since it was a Christmas gift from my dad when I was 12 years old. I wasn't taking it seriously. It was just kind of for fun.
Wow! Can you walk me through the matching process?
Well, I was at Thanksgiving dinner with my parents and my (now) in-laws, and my dad was telling everyone how I never look at my 23andMe results. I tried explaining that the results just said I was Chinese and that there was no point in checking, but I pulled up the results anyway, not expecting much.
Then I saw something on my screen that said, "You have a 50% DNA match!" It didn’t sink in at first, but being a biology major, I should have understood that it absolutely was my birth mom. All I knew was that my family was from rural China, so I thought the odds of them taking a DNA test were pretty much zero. My head was spinning because I didn't want to get my hopes up. I remember writing her a 23andMe message, saying “I think we are related.” That was the best thing I could think of! I was in catatonic shock. My mom started crying at the dinner table right then and there.
I later learned the match was through DNAConnect.Org. Brian Stuy reached out to me and asked if I wanted to pursue the match or not. I paid the matching fee that the organization has to help offset the searching costs, and then he sent me my story according to my birth sister.
Can you share what your birth family’s version of your story was and if it was the same as the one your orphanage gave you?
The orphanage hadn’t given us a lot of information, like where I was found or anything, except that there was a small envelope with me when I was relinquished with money in it, so that part turned out to be true. The orphanage had not ever shared with me that there was a note left with me though.
According to my older birth sister, she was only four when she noticed my birth mom’s belly was growing, but she didn’t understand pregnancy then. It was a big secret that my mom was even pregnant. She didn't really go outside and then she gave birth to me in the house next to the family farm. My birth mom knew that if the Chinese government found out she was pregnant with another child, she would be sterilized.
I was born in November and the day after I was born, my maternal grandpa took me to the nearest orphanage outside the gates with a blanket and a small red envelope with some money. My grandpa had also left a note with my date of birth, but the orphanage had never shared this with me. My birth parents assumed I had died since it was so cold and I was just a day old.
It wasn’t until my older birth sister was 15 years old, that my birth mom finally decided to tell her I existed. My birth mom and birth sister then began to look for me at different schools around where I was born, to see if they could find someone who looked like me. My birth sister had started hearing stories from her classmates in school that DNAConnect had found their lost siblings. So my birth sister reached out to Longlan Stuy and essentially convinced my birth mom to do a DNA test.
Are you planning on going back to China to visit in person? How are you wanting to communicate with your birth family?
So I'm going to be 100% honest. My birth sister said, and I think I was really hurt and offended by this, basically, she said, "My birth mom and dad aren’t ready to talk to you." I think it's my mom who says this, and I don't know if it's true, but my birth sister is probably just protecting my birth mom. For so long, my birth mom thought I was either dead or still in China, but now I'm in America, living whatever life I'm living. Basically, my birth sister and I have never actually video-called. We've only texted via WeChat. My sister will talk to me, and we'll text each other, but both my birth parents don’t fully believe the match unless I come in person to China. They don’t really understand DNA.
Okay, I’m going to try to summarize this, and you can tell me if I got this right: Your birth parents, according to your birth sister, don't really want to have a relationship with you or contact you. Part of that stems from their not being sure about this whole DNA technology. If you show up in person, they'll be more likely to believe it.
That’s correct. Yeah, I think if I were to come to China, they would be way more like, "Okay, this is legitimate. You're real." I've tried to push my birth sister, asking her, "Have you talked to my birth parents about me?" But she kind of circumvents the conversation and brings it back to something else. So, yeah, I have not had any contact with my birth parents. It's a step, but it's not what I would have expected. But what can you expect? You never actually expect to find your birth family or know that they're alive and real, you know?
That's pretty heavy. Was there anything surprising about your story? And was it surprising to learn that you have a sister?
My birth sister sent a family photo of her family. So, at the very least, it's crazy to see how many old people there are there and that they're alive. Great genes, I guess. I don't know. That was pretty surprising.
Were you surprised to learn that you have a sister?
Honestly, I kind of hoped I had a twin somewhere. That would have been dope. Or an older sibling. I don't know. I already have an older sister in America, so I guess it wasn't that crazy for me to adapt to having another older sister, if that's what you want to call it. But I was shocked to know that the person before me wasn't a boy, because of the whole thing about not liking girls and only wanting boys. So I was like, "Oh, you kept one girl, but you didn't keep the other." That was kind of interesting.
Do you know what your grandpa's point of view was? Has anybody offered an explanation for why your grandpa decided that day was the day to leave you behind, without, I'm assuming, any actual consultation with the rest of the family?
I have no idea. I actually think he just passed away in the last year or two. I don't think my birth sister ever really pressed him on it because, you know, there's that respect, like, don't ask personal questions. So she doesn't know. Maybe my birth parents know now, but, again, with the lack of communication between them, I don't really know.
When you think about your story, what emotions come up for you?
I think what I should feel and what I actually feel are different. I know that, at the end of the day, it's the government’s fault. If my birth mom didn't have to, I choose to believe she wouldn't have wanted to give me up and would have wanted to keep me. Would I have enjoyed that life in China? We'll never know. But I guess there's almost some resentment of, you know, not "Was I good enough?" but of, “Why did you have me? Why did you carry me to term if you couldn’t keep me?” There's definitely some anger around that. I don't really know what the medical situation was at that time, but I definitely don't think my biological grandpa was the one to blame. I think I’m more upset at the government and my birth mom. Now, knowing that I have this family, I would hope the resentment would go away because it's conclusive that their kid is still alive. My heart would be like, "Oh, I for sure want to get to know this person I've missed for 23 years, their entire life." So, yeah, maybe today there's more anger toward my birth parents. I’m frustrated they don’t seem to want to get to know me more. Clearly, my birth sister is making an effort.
At the same time though, my birth mom stopped school in about the third grade. My birth dad has the education of a seventh grader. I'm pretty sure my birth dad still works on the farm that my family has. My birth mom works at a nursing home and takes care of people. They have jobs and seem to be doing okay, but it's interesting. Honestly, the idea that they haven’t had that opportunity to continue with schooling and understand DNA might make me more empathetic toward my birth parents because I feel like it's easy, with our modern-day technology and life, to be conclusive and expect my birth parents to feel confident in the results the same way, but they’re coming from a different point of view.
My birth sister actually went to university, and she works as a hotel manager in China, which is awesome. Hearing about how both parents were so desperately poor and couldn't go to school past seventh grade, it's awesome to see how far she's gone, living with them in China. I wonder, do you think they're proud of me? I've done X, Y, and Z with my life, things they were never really given the opportunity to do.
So, I guess, yeah, there's some resentment, some anger, some sadness about what I could have had, but also thankfulness for the privileges I have here. I don't know. I think it's very mixed.
It's a lot of emotions and all of your emotions are 100% valid.
Yeah, totally.
Is there a takeaway message you have for other adoptees?
My takeaways are inconclusive. I don't really know what I feel or how I should feel. You always think, "What if I did…? What if I had…? What would I be like? Happy, sad, excited, mad?" I think I'm all of those. I don't think I'm just one.
Honestly, getting to know your family feels like speed dating. I was talking to my birth sister and was like, "So, what's your favorite color?" What can you ask that encompasses who this person is? At the same time, do you want to ask really personal questions about who she is and my birth family? I was teetering between those things. Even though there are answers, that doesn't really give you answers to your emotions and feelings after finding out you have a match.